Last night, Don cooked pork chops and chicken on the grill. That shit was fucking delicious. The barbecue sauce was so sweet and creamy, it just fucking melted in your mouth (there's a semen joke there, but, i'll refrain). It made me wanna slap my momma, i literally felt a compulsion to slap her(I did). The shit was that fucking good. Don is without a doubt the Picasso, Mozart, DaVinci man child of cooking meat. When you eat his meat you hear the most beautiful symphonies, see the most vibrant colors, it is fucking legal exstacy, heroin for the non-addict. Most nights when He is in the kitchen, I just kick back and watch Him go to work. Fuck a Martha Stewart, this shit is live.
Fuck you Martha Stewart. I can't fucking believe it took this many posts to get around to saying that.
Now, don't get it twisted; The man is not just a monster in the kitchen, this motherfucker is an all around survivalist. Ya heard me? So let me educate you suckas...10 reasons the Don will never die: Survivalist Edition. It's 10 if you count the drunken wizard cooking skills (i do...my blog, my rules...go fucking read a newspaper if you want journalistic integrity, good luck finding one.)
I apologize for my outburst, blogs are stressful, here's a funny picture. Drunken Wizard. Funny right? Please don't leave...I need you, the blog-o-sphere is a lonely place.
10 reasons Don Shaw will never die / is a better person than you
2. The man is a fighter. He would fuck Bear Grylls up, guaranteed. Bear Grylls has his own show, which has made him fairly successful, Man vs. Wild. It's a show about surviving in the wild. Don could definitely kick his ass. Clearly Don is more of a survivor than that fucking pussy Bear Grylls.
On Man vs. Don, Bear Gryllis plays a huge vagina that always gets fucked up by Don. Bear=Pussy #1. (Pictured above, Man vs. Don, Episode 1: Bear gets his face smashed, kimura-d)
3. More attractive than Jeff Probst, without doubt. Like a hundred times better looking. Plus, Don Don-scapes. Can't beat that shit. Jeff Probst is the host of Survivor, Don is better looking than Probst, ipso facto Don is the ultimate survivor.
When was the last time you Don-scaped, Probst? Fugly piece of shit. He actually looks like a guy who Don-scapes a little too much, Pussy #2.
4. Better fisherman than Scott Anderson. Scott Anderson is a man who believes he can fish, and he can, just not like Don. I once saw Don reel in THE FUCKING LOCH NESS Monster, that shit was catch and release, so he couldn't keep it, but, I was there, I seen it. Can I get a witness?
You ever reel in the Lochness herself, Scotty-boy? Probably never even been to Europe. Get a map Scott, or at least a GPS enabled mobile web device like Don has. Pussy #3.
(pictured above: Scott holding the goldfish he caught)
5. Don with a gun? Fa'get about it. I've been told guns are good for hunting. True story (kinda), I was in a bar with Don one night, paying the proper respects, buying Don and the female who was going to fellate him their drinks. When a gang of bikers came into the bar. Don calmly asked them to leave, they essentially told His Highness to fuck off. Can you believe that shit? Bunch of mongrel ass bikers disrespecting the Don? Fuck that, I was about to start swinging on those punk ass bikers, when the Don stopped me, calmly walked to the door, locked it, and dropped the best line I've ever heard..."Now, youse can't leave", all the confidence drained from them. Straight fucking carnage. Don ain't afraid of a punk ass with a gun. Can you believe they put part of Don's life into a movie? I can.
(pictured above: pussies #4-12, anyone who has not seen A Bronx Tale will collectively be known as pussy #13)
6. Shelter ain't a thing, home boy runs the construction board. Need a place to stay for your overnight visit? One phone call, Don's people have that shit up in two hours. You could get a fuckload of film developed at one hour photo labs during that time.
Like a good neighbor, the Don is there.
(Pictured above: Don's team)
7. Can talk to the animals to find out where the coolest animal hangouts are, what to do while in their part of the jungle, sights to see, etc. I'm talking dolphin orgies, elephant stomp downs, monkeys getting wasted, the jungle's dirty side (not dirty like filthy, dirty like the Xtina (Christina Aguilera) song Dirty.) This shit might not be survival, but it's got a direct effect on quality of life. Bet that fraud Bear Grylls can't talk to the animals, i wanna see that fucking episode.
Dolphins fuck like Marines fight...in the air on land and sea.
Monkeys FTW!!!Monkey, you're my best friend.
8. Forages like he's queer. Great at foraging for fruits and berries, similar to how a homo-sexual would be. Gay, but vital in a survival situation.
I'm willing to bet there wasn't a single berry left in the entire city after this parade. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, Don damn it.
(pictured above: Gay people not bothering anyone)
9. Hawk/Eagle/Wolf-like sense of direction. This dude always fucking knows where we are, how to get places, all that shit. How's he do it? 
The motherfucker has GPS on his fuckin phone, his handheld device, fo. get. about it.
(pictured above: Don's pink phone)
10. Ability to climb trees-Don can climb trees.
Seriously, Don can work a pole like nobody's business...Seriously, it's not your business, ok, let Him live his life, god, I'm so serial.
(pictured above:SCARIEST FUCKING THING EVER. Bear Grylls would shit his vagina filled pants.
Conclusion: Don is the Greatest Ever, He's that star up in the sky, He's that mountain peak up high, hey we made it, He's the world's greatest; and he's that little bit of hope, when my backs against the ropes, I can feel it, he's the world's greatest.
Update: Some jackass, poser, wannabe Don-minion just messaged me a question... "who would you rather have with you on a deserted island? Don, Jessica Alba, Barack Obama, or Bear Grylls?"
Easiest. Question. Ever. The Don is always with me, which is convenient because He is who I would have chosen. As sure as I am of that, there is one thing I am even more emphatic about. It would definitely not be Bear Grylls. There's only one world where I would be grateful to have Bear Grylls. That's a terrible world where I want to die really, really badly. If I didn't want to die, and they forced me to take Bear anyway, I would then want to die, and be happy that I had Bear with me. He would surely get us both murdered.
Following this message, I feel the need to clarify my feelings on Bear Grylls, I hope the following pictures explain.
random side note: I would totally watch Man vs. Child. I'm thinking it would be like Home Alone, where a child tries to outsmart a few adults. Bear Grylls is probably particularly naiive, so he'd be fantastic for the show.
Bear, kill the fucking creepiness, you're scaring the kids.
Nice boat, bear. Not...Probably got an A+ in shitty,sinking raft-making class...Pussy.
"oh no, i don't wanna die, save me." Pussy. Get over yourself. You suck Bear, that's why you're...getting...sucked into the ground (fuck you, it's exhausting hating Bear Grylls this much.)
WHAT THE FUCK?! I would support censorship for this great nation for an entire year if it meant all copies of this book would be burned.
(pictured above: Book companies selling out, making horse shit filled books)
I would let a rabid puppy attack me for just one tiny sting from this scorpion.
(pictured above:Bear Grylls, shaking like a little girl in his little girl boots)
Lolcats, look here 'bear', I will dominate you. I hope you get Anderson Silva-front kicked to death, I hope Antonio "Big Foot" Silva Fedor-ifies you.
god, Don is so much fucking cooler than Bear Grylls.
Don tribute song lyrics of the day
inspired by Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive"
At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without Don by my side (I was right)
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how god did me wrong
and I grew closer to Don
and I learned how to chill with Don
so now god's back
from outer space
I just walked in to find him here
with that sad look upon his face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made him leave his key
If I had known for just one second
he'd be back to bother me (and Don)
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
d'you think I'd crumble?
d'you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love (Don)
I know I will stay alive (by the grace of Don)
I've got all my life to live (for Don)
I've got all my love to give (to Don)
and I'll survive (with Don's help)
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little minion
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
(Don)
PS Robert, I made an outline for this post, then shit went all crazy.
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