The Don works in mysterious ways. The Santa Don and other Don-nomena.

Don saved babies today..."Oh Troy, did you mean He saved a single baby?"  No, fuckers, regardless of the numerous typos and grammatical errors you may have seen on this blog, that sentence was in fact typed correctly.  Early this morning the Alaskan National Orphanage was snowed in.  Rescue workers projected that it would take months for the snow to clear and for food to get to the orphan 'family'.  Don explained that because of Alaska's fucked up seasons there would be nothing but darkness and snow for the next three months...the Don had to do something.  

 Bear swimming in freezing cold water?  Fuck Alaska

Upon hearing the news Don was visibly annoyed.  "Fucking Alaska, I fucking hate Alaska, those fuckers always need my help, first Sarah Palin, then this shit, fuck...I'll BE BACK (said in the voice of the terminator)."  I continued to watch horrified at the extremely boring news feed of the Alaskan snow castle wondering how the Don would do it.

 thank the Don, this baby may live to make his own igloo

One half hour later, while I was absent mindedly counting the snow flakes further burying the children, I saw it.  Don was on the TV.  Suddenly the snow was melting, the sun was out, and My Don was rushing into the building.  When the camera crews were allowed inside the building, the children were all happily eating Lunchables and drinking chocolate milk while Don read them a story.

 fuck yeah

How did He do it?  The Don works in mysterious ways fellow Don-postles.  Most of what follows is pure speculation, I have no chance of possessing a quarter of the knowledge or abilities The Don has.  As a result of my short comings I am not completely sure how His numerous rescue operations go; However, attempting to use my tiny brain, I could only come up with one rational explanation.  I am 96.4% sure this is how the events unfolded.


Don got there in less than a half hour. There were no news reports of unidentified flying Dons in the area, so there is only one explanation.  Don must have used some combination of his powers of teleporation, Lord of the Ring magic, cloak of invisibility, his lucky hat, and supersonic flight to achieve the feat.  This is the only possibility.  When He got to the land that both God and Satan forgot, He drew fire from his hands to melt the snow, bullied the sun into coming back out, milked some kind of golden chocolate milk calf, and turned a bear-wolf (which he killed with his bear (get it) hands) into delicious lunchables.  Miracle work.

 starting the fire that would flow from his hands

Is there any amongst you how doubt his Zeus like abilities?


Prepare to believe.  I am not the first to experience a Don-icle, through interviews, investigative work and the internet I have come up with a list of three 'miracles' that can be attributed to The Don.



1.  Santa Don.  You've no doubt hear of the mysterious 'Santa Claus'.  Every year 'Santa Claus' goes around the world giving gifts to little boys and girls.  Then when we grow up we find out the truth, Santa Claus doesn't exist.  Well, then how the do all these spoiled ass kids get there fucking Red Ryder b.b. guns and Teletubbies?  The Santa Don, providing toys and Christmas miracles for needy children around the world.  The real Don-icle is that he lets this false, buster ass idol 'Santa Claus' take the credit.  Fuck 'Santa Claus', fuckin attention whore.

 alchoholic, buster ass attention seeking whore

2.  Stonehenge/Egyptian pyramids.  The easiest of the list to explain, Don merely used Don strength to pick up some heavy ass rocks and put them into formations he liked.  Simple as that.  He says He primarily did it to fuck with us.  Don-nomena at its finest.

"Mystery of the world, ha, lol cats"-Don

3.  Adam and Eve forced out of Eden.  It is a well known fact that back in the day Don was God's enforcer, before striking out to prove his own Don-liness, beginning the religion of Don-ianity.  It is also a known fact that Don hates gators, hurricanes, and snakes more than anything in the world.  So when he found out that Eve was taking orders from a two faced, bitch ass snake, he cast her ass out of heaven on Earth.  Fuck Eve.

can't turn a ho into a housewife

These and other rumored miracles have taken my Don-doration to its highest levels, and I hope talking of the Don-nomenon, will bring more of you closer to the Don.  I leave you with our prayer.

Our Don, who art in Don Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy Don-dom come, thy Don be DONe on Earth as it is in Don Heaven...