Straight outta Compton, a crazy motherfucker named Don Shaw

Jessica Arrant, welcome!!  I'm glad you made the leap and converted to Don-ianity, you're now a Deacon of Don, and that carries great responsibility.  Do not waste this opportunity to have all of your dreams come true.  The Don can grant that to you, I have witnessed it.  Keep the faith.

When miracles happen, and then get turned into movies, best to assume that THE Don had a hand.  Do you believe in Don?  Then you believe in miracles (i assumed the answer was yes).

Unfortunately, I have also seen the other side of that coin...it was terrible.  A man was smited today.  I'm sorry to say Deacons, fellow Disciple of Don, Charlie Sheen, was smited today.  Obviously he deserved it.  Don does not make mistakes.   Don cancelled the somehow hit show Two and a Half Men.  That decision was insanely appropriate, still, I questioned the timing. With Sheen just having returned from rehab and all, it seemed a little like kicking a man when he is down.  I promptly got a predictably strong backhand to the jaw courtesy of Don. Quickly reassuring me that The Don was right on this one, and that if i questioned him again, I too cold find myself smited.  He can be a harsh Don.

this image was the second result when i searched "smited" (not a real word, at least according to the squiggly red line the blog keeps giving me, hopefully you understand what I mean, or this could be confusing)

The foolish Charlie Sheen balked at the smite/semi-shun, informing Don that if he wanted him back on the show, it would have to double his pay, or some shit like that.  Don said fuck that.  "I don't want the show back, its terrible.  If I did, I sure as fuck would not want the drunken brother of Emilio Esteves, fuck that.  You take your fucking smite and you like it Charlie Sheen."

I'm not questioning you or anything here Don...but why...why would you bring these two fuckers into the world?  Also, why would you then allow them to get more vagina than me?  It ain't right Don.

(pictured above: Don's aberration)

You see, in the end The Don was right, Charlie Sheen is a little bitch, he deserved to be smited.  As expected, Don is not to blame.  I mean, obviously, I knew that, sometimes i just say and do dumb things.  I'm sorry, to Don, to the Deacons, but not to Bear Grylls or Charlie Sheen, those two are both still tools.  So that none of us, nor anyone else ever makes the mistake again, I have a list (surprise :) (gay smiley face from Tzo, double surprise))

 Kind of fuckin creepy, sorry about that.

The top 5 reasons Don is always blameless  
(as i typed that I felt a little David Letterman-y, and i hate myself for that)
1. Infallible.  The Don himself is never wrong, and is always honest.  I don't feel the need to elaborate any further on something so obvious. 

So obvious that no picture was needed to reinforce the statement...you get to look at pictures of cute cats, good job.

2. Blue Eyes.  If he was wrong, or lying about something, (impossible...but, hypothetically)you wouldn't know it, he has blue eyes, and they are deep, soul mesmerizing eyes.  The eyes of a super model who died and became an angel...just fucking beautiful.  I could and probably will write an entire post on Don's eyes.

 3 freaking hours i have been staring at them.

 Like this, but more angelic.

3. Bambi like soul.  From all the hours of staring into those eyes (the window into the soul according to someone), I can personally assure you, Don has the soul of a baby deer, its that fucking pure, and adorable, and not capable of doing anything that you would blame him for.  

 an injured baby deer, are u kidding me?  If you hate this, you are a monster.

4. Heart of Gold.  There are a million Don-unteer-ism stories, where Don volunteer to saves a whole bunch of peoples lives(see my previous post about the Alaskan Orphanage). A man like that deserves no fault.

you the man Don, the children are the future.

5. The Bottom Line..."And that's the bottom line, because Don Shaw said so!!"...sorry about that, quote i just heard come from his room.  I'm not positive, but i think he was borrowing Stone Cold Steve Austin's tagline.  It was super intimidating.  I assume he wanted me to include it in here.

Don could beat your fucking ass

I leave you with the wisdom Don just emparted on me..."West Side till you die"...true...true dat, double true.

Zip guns...it don't get much more gangsta

I would cry if this child wanted to harm me

Start looking more gangster...I swear to god, i'll ship you to an Alaskan orphanage.  The Don won't always be there to save you.

Original Gangsters

and the way i feel tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyVF1glhAfk

THE Don makes me feel this way everyday...inspired, loved, appreciated...check it, Deacons of Don...DON FOLLOWERS FLY TOGETHER!!!

A day that will live in infamy, forever

Late last night the United States of America fell under attack from a rogue nation/planet of nazi kamakizi aliens...Thank The Don, Don was there.  The government has done a fantastic job keeping this whole attempted alien racist invasion thing under wraps, so details are few and far between.  What is known is that they attacked the wrong motherfucker...Don attacks back...(cue dramatic music)

(pictured: the wrong motherfucker)

The explosions and alien corpses were photoshopped out by the government.

This man thing is dead, Don is a hero.

(pictured above: Nazi alien kamakazi hybrid)

Don's POV

Though we may never know all of what happened, what is known is that Donald saved the planet, we would all be slaves to the Nazi Alien Alliance if not for him...give thanks.

 (i had a picture of hitler with an alien to represent the Nazi Alien Alliance, but i decided it looked too much like a concentration camp picture, and that's fucked up...that's right friends, shit got too real for this blog)

until Don has to stop the next threat, good night Disciples, sleep tight.

5 things we can verify Don said to the aliens while he was doing the killing

1. Yippie-Ki-Yeah, motherfuckers

 (pictured above: Bruce Willis lookin like a bitch while Don kills aliens)

2. Oh no you did not shoot that green shit at me (in a cool black guy voice)

 "I ain't heard no fat lady" is also reported to have been said.

3. Do you feel lucky?  Do ya punks?

note to self: watch this movie

4. I came here to do two things drink some beer and kick some alien ass, looks like we're about out of beer...(Don apparently went to do three things, because he had alot of sex after kicking the asses).

 That's what Don and Matthew Mcconaughey love about these high school girls man...

5. Madness?  This is America!!

Oh lolcat, how adorable, He thinks he's in a movie.

Its ridiculous how many '300' pictures there are.

THE DON Beat everyone at everything tonight

Robert lost at darts.
Scott lost at ping pong.
I lost at being sexy (not surprising considering the competition).

Don is number one, he's the best person ever. 

At Don's NFL combine he measured 6 foot 3 inches, 220 pounds, ridiculous...he benched 450 lbs...3 times...he is the best...I am drunk...one day good posts will come again, unfortunately not today, give it time...

to put in the 100 words that Don deserves, I will put in random facts about Don...

Don recently ran a 4.05 40...fuck a Chris Johnson
Don can slam dunk two basketballs at once...
As stated before, Don beat Scott (the self proclaimed best darts player ever) at darts
Don is better looking than Matt Damon.
Don was begged to play both FSU baseball and FSU Hockey and turned it down to make sure homes were made in Florida, running the construction board.
Don created the new Dominoes crust.
The Knicks tried to trade for Donald Shaw before Carmello, but were rebuffed for making such an obnoxiously ridiculous trade.
Don taught Anderson Silva his front kick.
The Cardinals did not resign Albert Puljos in the hopes of being able to sign Donald Shaw.

Don's number one, catch up with him tommorrow.

Donnie Don, has got it going on, Donnie Don has got it going on...

Donnie can't you see, you are the very Don for me, I know it might be wrong, but, i'm in love with Donnie Don.


Sorry believers, I have been slipping, and unfortunately, this will be another short, undeserving blog.  I owe Don a total tribute of 120 pesos for my inaction.  He's such a great and forgiving Don that maybe...just maybe...one day he may forgive me, though i surely do not deserve it.  Don would never be such a bad person.


Today, I will speak briefly about Don's ability to speak to animals.  Don can speak to animals.  Literally.  He talks to our dogs all the time, they fucking love him for that shit.  They always wanna be around him.  They fucking wag their tails when he comes home.  They try to be near him when he's on the couch.  They fucking love him.


Even snakes, who don't like anybody, like the Don.  Don kills it.  The other day a cobra/rattlesnake hybrid got on the porch while we were smoking cigarettes.  It was terrible.  I was screaming for my life.  Don was stoic.  He got right down on the snakes level.  He let out a hissing that came to sound like 'c'mon man', and the snake just rolled out.  It was fantastic, phenomenal even.  Don is the man and the snakes now it.  All the animals do.

Bear Grylls would be fucking dead as shit.  Fuck that guy.

 (Pictured above: a neighbor who captured a slightly smaller Florida Eastern Diamond Rattlesnake.  The one Don drove off was a cobra hybrid.  This guy is a pussy compared to Don.  A stick to keep the snake away...pussy.)

Praise be to Don.  Deacons of Don, keep it real, tommorrow will be much better.
Tzo out.

Forgive me Don for I have sinned

Dear Don, it's me Tzo, I am so far from where I could have been...Dear Don, I would be incomplete, but you came and touched my life in time of need.  So I'm thanking you, for all you've DONe, and for sacrificing you're only son... Troy B (with inspiration from Boyz II Men)

I'm so sorry to Don and his followers for missing yesterday's blog post.  Decidating my life to The Don left me exhausted, and the devil was able to pull me to his side for the night.  I will donate roughly 61 Pesos to the Church of Shaw in repentance.

Speaking of Pesos...man, it would suck to be a Mexican.  I wake up every morning and thank Don that I was born an American...Fuck Mexico, that place is terrifying.  Thinking about the Pesos/a way to transition into yet another list about Don, I realized...Mexico needs new leadership and Don would be the perfect man to do it.  First Egypt, then America, finally, Mexico, the trifecta(The Libyans have also been calling for some Big Sexy Don in their lives as well). 

So Tommorrow you Mexicanos will be saved, you'll have my list, The Top 5 reasons Mexico needs a little Don in their lives.

DON DON DON DON DON DON DON DON DON!!!!I like it when you shake your Don, baby let me see your Don....something something something something, that DON Da Don Don Don.

Yesterday I talked about how Don would have improved some of histories greatest movies.  Today we'll talk about the potential of his silver screen career.  Fuck a daytime Emmy, The Don will be working in prime time.


TV Shows that Don could have improve
1. Seinfeld- Seinfeld and Shaw.  Show becomes even more famous than it already was.  Don and Jerry live in an apartment together, hilarity ensues.
2. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air-Fresh Prince of Tallahassee.  Following Dons Early years, all the jive slang and life lessons.
3. Saved By the Bell-Saved by the Don.  Show focuses on Don who plays himself, basically a combination of Slater and Zach Morris, but smarter than Screech.  On the show he would have sexual intercourse with all three girls, lisa, kelly and Jessie.  Not to mention the side girls who pop up through out the shows (i.e. Tori the bad ass leather jacket wearer).
4. Friends-I never really watched this show, guarantee I would if The Don had been it.  I don't really know what it's about all that well, but, in this version The Don is the best friend anyone could have who also has sex with Jennifer Aniston alot.
5. Survivor-As talked about in a previous post, Don would fucking kill on this show.  Fuck a Russell, Don would re-invent the show.  HE'd be a monster at all challenges and a master hunter/fisher/gatherer.  The Social game?  Don would fucking destroy that shit, people would be begging to make a million dollar offering to him at the end of the show. 
6. Baywatch-Don saves alot of lives, has a lot of sex.
7. The Wire- "Donald Comin'!!", "I robs drug dealers", "All in the game yo, all in the game.", "I'm not much for cards but I think these .45's beat a full house."... How fucking bad ass would that be...Donald Shaw instead of Omar Little.  Fuck yeah, give me that Don damn Emmy. 
8. Lost- Series lasts one episode as Don gets them off the island while solving all the dumbass mysteries like the monster and the time shift...I didn't watch this show, but the places it went sound a little fucking ridiculous.  Don brings some sanity back.
9. Real World-Don gets along with everyone, doesn't create any drama, but also doesn't take any shit.  He helps others will their problems and is completely accepting of the token gay guy.
10. South Park-Don tells it like it is, he plays a new kid who instantly becomes the star of the show, taking over Cartman's hilarious 'i'm an asshole' bit and Kyle's insight at then end of the show bit.
11. American Idol-Don wins all the seasons.  He's always our American Idol.


My apologies to the Don, i'm sure my last two posts have disappointed your highness (he likes pictures better than words), tomorrow I will start earlier.

Saving General Don, Don's List, Don Wars, West Side Don, The Sound of Don and other favorites

Good Evening folks, The Don just headed to his room to please the gorgeous woman on his bed before he falls into the most peaceful of slumbers.  Meanwhile, I sit here, thinking and dreaming about something The Don said earlier tonight.  The Don expressed an interest in Cinematography.  He is debating taking a step back from fixing the economy through construction to focus on his acting career.  Tonight, we look at what some of the greatest films in history would have been like with The Don as the main character.


The Godfather-his name is THE DON, this movie could've been so epic.
Saving Private Ryan-Don could just fight off the Nazis himself and go home, and as good as a movie as that would be on its own, we'll save that for later.
Schindler's List-This time, no Jews die as Don fights off the Nazis himself, punching Hitler in the face before arresting him.  Best Action movie ever.
Star Wars-Darth Vader and all of his homies would have been dead after the first movie, fuck that trilogy shit.
West Side Story-much better dancing.
Jaws-The Don hunts down and captures Jaws.  Then, he challenges Jaws to a swimming match for the rights to the water.  Spoiler Alert...Don wins.
The Sound of Music-Better singing. Do a Don, a super male Don, who is a drop of golden sun, me a name he calls himself, fa-the length that Don can run, So-he's too manly to sow, la-la la la la la la, ti-....
Forest Gump- Don plays a genius who has all these crazy things from history happen to him, Jenny has to be recast using a hotter woman.
Jerry Maguire-Cuba Gooding Jr. shows Don the money.  Don also replace the cute 'human head weighs five pounds' kid.
Rocky-the lovable underdog...Don flips the script on its head.  He beats the shit out of e'rebody, but everyone still loves and roots for him.


Those movies would all be soooo much better with The Don in them.  Luckily for us, in the future, when won't have to wonder...catch Don in The Adjustment Bureau, formerly starring Matt Damon, in theaters whenever Don wants...
peace,
Tzo out

I'm you're biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me, Donnie, Donni-razzi

Once you reach a certain level of fame you're going to have copy cats, its just a fact of life.  Michael Jackson, Freddie Prinze Jr., Justin Beiber, Tupac and Biggie, they all have them.  Unfortunately, The problem has reached Elvis Presley-esque proportions where The Don is concerned.

Thank Don that The Don can never die, I never want to think of him this way.

Living the Don is not just a name, or a state of mind.  Being and/or following the Don is a lifestyle choice.  I'm trying to get social media networking to list it as an option for religion, relationship status and work history.  Friendster is considering it, myspace is considering it, match.com is considering it...facebook said no.

This photo of one of Don's very supportive young ladies was just sent to me.

Until i hear back from Live Journal and Yelp about adding more Don info/options to their respective sites, I've Decided to list 3 Don-sers (Don Posers) and grade their attempts to mimic The Don.

Live Journal, home of the Emo-s

3 Posers seeking to cash in on the name "Don" and how The Don will smite or has smite-d them.

Donald Trump: B-
Known by blasphemers as "the Donald", Trump's blend of power, conviction, money, and rightful arrogance all match up well to The Don.  However, that fucked up hair piece, and stupid "you're fired" line, are way too unimaginative and deceitful for The Don.

Maybe try wiping that stupid fucking face off of your stupid fuck face, Trump.

his downfall:  His stupid show "The Apprentice" is collapsing around him.  I'm too lazy to look it up, but i'm sure ratings are falling, even if they're not, it is still a terrible, played out show.  Fuck "The Donald" (which will soon be a name copyrited by The One True Don.)

After the law suit The Don will take over the show, ratings will shoot up, and i guarantee a better line than "you're fired!"...("HR says we need to downsize!!", "You are terminated!!" (done in Schwarzenegger voice), etc.)

Don Cheadle: C
Though there's no doubt about Don Cheadle acting chops, he can never hope to play the Don.  Not enough powerful sweetness in his voice; Doesn't have the looks to pull it off, sorry Cheadle.  (fun fact: in Hotel Rwanda Don Cheadle played a character based on The Don.)

I can't think of a more aptly named movie for a blasphemer like Cheadle.  ("BLASPHEMER", maybe)

his downfall: Destined to forever act in Ocean's movies with George Clooney (see Oceans 11, 12, 13, etc.)

He'll be playing the smooth talking mastermind in your fucking nightmares forever, Cheadle.

 

Donald Duck: F
The Don is not amorphous, he is not a cartoon, he is not a duck, he does not have a stupid sounding voice.  The Don himself has instructed me to emphasize the fact that he is not amorphous...The Don is all man.  This Don is doing a fucking terrible impression.  Quack, Quack, Quack...translation: try again motherfucker.

The Don, Mickey Mouse, that puts you a least third on the list, Mr. Duck.  Third is nothing to quack home about, nice genitals, btw. 

his downfall: It's a little known fact that Donald Duck was once a real person.  Back then he was Donald Robinson.  When Don found out about the act Mr. Robinson was trying to pull, he turned him into Donald the duck.  The Don can be a cruel Don.

Donald Robinson, moments after being turned into Donald the Duck.

In the end, they all get Fs, the Don cannot be replicated.  There is no such thing as Don-plicity (you thought that was a word?  buy a dictonary, Fuck Tards 'R US).


So remember, you shameless "Don"nabes, it is completely normal and downright noble to worship the Don; but attempting to make yourself into a false Don will eventually lead to your downfall.


"Take my hand and we'll make it I swear, oh oh, we're living on The Don.  Oh, Oh, we're halfway there, oh, oh, living on The Don"-Bon Jovi, "Living on The Don"

I'm proud to be a Don-merican, where at least I know i'm free

All praise to him!!!  Don is great!!!  I'm really feeling the Don tonight.  We all feel the same, i'm sure, so i'll keep it short and sweet. A few lists are in order, perhaps they'll be expanded on later.

5 people Don is better looking than
1. Johnny Depp-old
2. Brad Pitt-looks stupid with long hair
3. Seth Rogen-jew-fro, huge negative
4. Young Sean Connery-too pervy
5. Paul Gossler-too 90s (Zach Morris)

5 people Don is more talented than
1. Kelly Clarkson-My life would suck without Don.
2. Susan Boyles-the Show should be called "Britian's got less talent than Don."
3. Usher-Don could have done a better split at the halftime show.
4. George St. Pierre-Too Canadian
5. Jordan Jefferson-Such a bad quarterback, lacks Dons awareness and accuracy.

Sorry for the short no pic lists folks, we all know how we feel about Don, I know it, He knows it.
Carry Don with you.
One Don.

Don take the wheel

Don take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own.  I'm letting go, so give me one more chance, to save me from this road i'm on...Don, take the wheel. (Don's an excellent driver).


In one day, Don got me a job offer, told me a hilarious joke, and cured cancer.  Just a day in the life. 

It's not often that a man can tell a funny, non offensive, completely politically correct joke.  Donald Shaw is not a mere man.  I'm LOLing as i type this it was so funny.  Unfortunately, I can't re-tell the joke here.  This is not the greatest joke in the world, this is just a tribute...can't remember the greatest joke in the world, it was the greatest joke in the world, yeah.

Eat your heart out Christoper Rock

(pictured above: Wannabe)

After telling me the funniest joke ever, I was so exhausted from laughing, that i missed a call from the state of Florida for the 2nd greatest job in the world.  Tough to beat war lord/overseer of construction, after all.  Don used his vast network of connections to pull a few strings for one of his most devout followers.  Hopefully it still stands tommorrow.  The entire Middle East, and most of The US are pissed about jobs, the Don gives em away, like a creepy van guy gives out candy.  Just goes to show you, Don can give you the world, but it is up to you to take advantage.

Lastly and arguably the least important, given his day's work, was developing a cure for cancer.  Around 6PM, Don cured cancer.  While he was debating how to allocate his great gift to humanity, the US government swooped in and stole the secrets.  So, you want the cure for cancer?  Talk to your US government.  If Don was in charge, the cure would have started being Don-stributing tonight.  No need for national healthcare when you have a cure for cancer, I guess that's the governments motivation, don't know, ask them.  I'm sure they'll be extremely forthcoming (see: the JFK assassination, Area 51, Tupac's death, the moon landing', and now, the cure for cancer, etc.).

 In under a year Don could make these obsolete.

(pictured above: the government cultivating a culture of fear.  Live the Don, love the Don)

I leave you with those tales followers, with the Don, all things are possible.  Bel'ie dat.

"Bel'ie Dat"

Update: Don just beat previously unbeaten Robert Smith to become the undisputed number one ping pong player in the area, so, yeah, just keep tacking 'em on.

 Robert Smith's Idol

(Rob's a little off)

They see me bloggin', they hatin' patrollin and tryin' to catch me blogging dirty

The Don just kicked my ass in ping pong, as usual. Don pulled off more Spikes than a frat boy at a sweet 16 party (sick burn, bro).  I took my domination like a whiny 16 year old girl, stomping my feet, threatening not to eat (coming up with mad rhyme schemes), doing drugs and having pre-marital sex.  

When I calmed down, and ceased all the heroin, vicodin, and cocaine bombs, and all the sex with guys who didn't care about me or my feelings(probably went a little overboard with those two), I realized that I shouldn't have been upset in the first place.  Of course the fuckin Don beat me.  You're talking about a man who could have gone pro in damn near any sport he wanted to.  Hell, if the construction board had not come calling, and Don didn't have such great love for our state and nation as a whole; I imagine he'd be out there right now, playing on Sundays.  It got me thinking about how Don would fare in a few sports...sports...sports (fade into list).

Don came up with this sign, whatever the fuck it means.  Grave digger ahead?

Don vs. Sports "Greats"
Basketball
Why he'd be great: Height, the 'big' men of the NBA couldn't handle it (see Muggsy Bogues' domination).
Don vs. Lebron James
similarities: Massively hyped from a young age, Both Kings of their respective fields, Both olympic gold medalists.
differences: Don is not a giant douche-bag, James slightly more self centered, Don less likely to 'sell out'.

 Unlike Muggsy Bogues, Don is fantastic with a guitar

Football 
Why he'd be great: pick a player on the Raiders, I'll argue why Don is better.
Don vs. OJ simpson
similarities: Both gangsters, both have absurd combos of speed, agility, and power.
differences: Don is not a murderer, like OJ (allegedly).  Don would not be stupid enough to try and publish a book about his murders, if he had committed any.  Don is not in prison.

What a fuck-tard.

Baseball
Why he'd be great: Power, natural power.  Don could crush the baseball, not to mention, the path for Dons 'round the world has been paved (see: Don Mattingly)
Don vs. Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa/Jose Canseco/Barry Bonds
similarities:  Winning smile, ability to captivate the nation with a race.
differences: Don doesn't need performance enhancing drugs, better at english, more loved by the public.

$20 says Don could still kick his ass

Hockey
Why he'd be great: Gracefulness, Don is one of the most graceful human beings i've ever seen.  He would float across the Ice like a swan, and be too pretty to hit, allowing him to score every play.
Don vs. Wayne Gretzky
similarities: Greatest in their respective fields, fantastic skaters,
differences: DON IS NOT CANADIAN, Gretzky is, easy to to be 'the great ONE', when you're the only person from your country of note.

 Don has never had a mullet, Advantage Don, plus, he's not Canadian.

 
Soccer
Why he'd be great:  Big ass fuckin' feet, fucker could probably kick the shit out of a soccer ball.
Don vs. Freddie Aidoo
similarities: As with Lebron, both Don and Freddie were both massively hyped from a young age, and considered the future of their fields.
differences: Don is not, nor would he ever be considered a bust, Freddie might be, I don't know, I don't watch soccer...this is America, and in America football is football.

Found these two waiting outside the house a few nights ago.

Tennis
Why he'd be great:  Until you're running sprints on a ping pong table, you probably can't understand his proficiency with a racket/paddle and a ball.
Don vs. Andre Agassi
similarities: Both are considered among the best 'service returners' of all time (ask wikipedia, idk), both have sex with incredibly hot girls.
differences: Don's hair > Andre's,  Agassi is a known meth head.

 Me about to get spiked on by Don...notice the fear in my eyes.

MMA 
Why he'd be great:  See previous post about beating the shit out of Bear Grylls.
Don vs. Anderson Silva
similarities:  Lightning quick strikes, both toy with lesser competition, both have belts.
differences:  Fuck Anderson Silva, Don gives his all every time and he's able to speak English while doing it, those are strikes 1 and 2, Anderson.

"Float like a butterfly Don, sting like a bee Don. His hands can't hit what his eyes can't see. Now you see me Don, now you don't.  George Haters thinks they (he) will, but I know they (he) won't."-Donald Shaw/Muhammed Ali