The Face of Evil: Ranger Rob, and the Mighty Morphin Bob Rangers

Little is known about the life of Ranger Rob before age 21...he is thought to have had an extremely priveleged chilhood, a trust fund baby, if you will... Until one day it all changed...at the age of 21, Robert decided to become a graduate student, sacrificing all financial well being in the pursuit of knowledge...the pursuit of evil.

For years he has been studying and training to face The Dark Don, that battle is on the horizon...

 I just realized, he will one day be the evil Dr. Rob Ranger, this is what I imagine he and his gang of miscreants will look like.

The few known facts about Ranger Rob and his life

This would have been a great character for him, given how little is known about him..."South Park did it!!"...damn you South Park!!!

Grew up in Louisiana, a notorious hotbed for evil mastermind development

 look at that beast...The moat protecting Rob's Evil lair is swimming with them.

Is a year younger than the Dark Don, one of the Dark Don's numerous advantages

This is how Don sees you Rob, as a tiny evil baby

Undergraduate Degree in Psychology, makes sense, given his evil mind reading abilities.  The fact that he is now a grad student, makes sense given the demand for Psych Undergrads in the business world. (Sick burn on psych degrees)

That guy makes 45k a year????Fuck me, I want his life...I wonder what the market for an unemployed, hilarious blogger with a General Studies degree is?

Bachelor of General Studies, Interdisciplinary Studies with minors in psychology, history, and sociology, by the way.

Was once a good guy-Rob was once on the good path, following Don-inaity with his entire heart...that is until his education got in the way.

me being attacked by Ranger Rob and his evil dog, look at the pure joy in his face...luckily the Don saved me before Rob could "get off" on my murder.

No respect for women, I'll just say this one as plainly as I can, Rob owns wife beaters, he wears them often, if you know what i mean...sorry, that wasn't plain at all...Rob hits women.

He usually loses the fights, but still, you can't be hitting women. (note: I had a pic of Rob harming a woman, i lost it, i'm pretty pissed about this, yet, too lazy to find it again.

 ha, i found this one...show some fuckin respect Ranger Rob, or Don will beat it into you.

Fights in Packs, rob has an entire gang of tiny bad guys on his side.

adorable henchmen, but henchmen none the less.

A few of Rob's Henchmen/Minions

 If you see them, don't be a hero, just run, unless you're Don

"Aimee-baby", as he calls her...she has the power to trick anyone into anything using her incredible sweetness.

 Succubus!!!j/k...her sweetness lulls me into feeling bad...also, the comments i made on this picture on facebook make no fucking sense.  I'm 99.8% sure i was hammered when i made them.

Tommy "The Tommy Gun" Smith, the crazy man/bad ass/womanizer of the group, Tommy will attack a motherfucker for looking at him stupid...Tommy will sleep with your girlfriend, then beat your ass for it.

 

 This man will fuck you up.

"Attack Drew" the groups evil attack dog.

oh yeah, laser eyes, did i mention the fucking laser eyes? (I know I didn't, I was saving it for this terrifying picture)

It was at the center of FSU's campus that the battle began and Rob's stupid mouth started writing checks his butt couldn't cash(foreeeeshadowing)...


Rob:"Our arrows will blot out the sun"
Dark Don (said very coolly, if i might add):"The we'll fight in the shade"

Don (turning to me and the other Deacons):"Give them nothing, but take from them everything!!"...

A shrill voice from seemingly nowhere: "The Battle Begins NOW!!!! "

The battle had begun....To Be Continued....



PS Judging from this blog you would think I only recently saw "300", not the case...it is an extremely quotable movie with tons of pictures to choose from.

"Because he's the hero Tallahassee deserves..."

"but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it. He's not a hero, he's a silent guardian, a watchful protector...the Dark Don"...


No, not Donnie Darko you fools.  The Dark Don, and he is the hero we've all been waiting for.  The man who will clean the hippies from the street.

Artist's rendition of The Dark Don

I have already detailed several of The Dark Don's powers in previous posts, that is not what this is about friends...this is about the fight that is to come...the ultimate battle...the battle for Tallahassee...Evil is about to arise, The Dark Don will be there...the unruly Ranger Rob is coming...

Straight outta Compton, a crazy motherfucker named Don Shaw

Jessica Arrant, welcome!!  I'm glad you made the leap and converted to Don-ianity, you're now a Deacon of Don, and that carries great responsibility.  Do not waste this opportunity to have all of your dreams come true.  The Don can grant that to you, I have witnessed it.  Keep the faith.

When miracles happen, and then get turned into movies, best to assume that THE Don had a hand.  Do you believe in Don?  Then you believe in miracles (i assumed the answer was yes).

Unfortunately, I have also seen the other side of that coin...it was terrible.  A man was smited today.  I'm sorry to say Deacons, fellow Disciple of Don, Charlie Sheen, was smited today.  Obviously he deserved it.  Don does not make mistakes.   Don cancelled the somehow hit show Two and a Half Men.  That decision was insanely appropriate, still, I questioned the timing. With Sheen just having returned from rehab and all, it seemed a little like kicking a man when he is down.  I promptly got a predictably strong backhand to the jaw courtesy of Don. Quickly reassuring me that The Don was right on this one, and that if i questioned him again, I too cold find myself smited.  He can be a harsh Don.

this image was the second result when i searched "smited" (not a real word, at least according to the squiggly red line the blog keeps giving me, hopefully you understand what I mean, or this could be confusing)

The foolish Charlie Sheen balked at the smite/semi-shun, informing Don that if he wanted him back on the show, it would have to double his pay, or some shit like that.  Don said fuck that.  "I don't want the show back, its terrible.  If I did, I sure as fuck would not want the drunken brother of Emilio Esteves, fuck that.  You take your fucking smite and you like it Charlie Sheen."

I'm not questioning you or anything here Don...but why...why would you bring these two fuckers into the world?  Also, why would you then allow them to get more vagina than me?  It ain't right Don.

(pictured above: Don's aberration)

You see, in the end The Don was right, Charlie Sheen is a little bitch, he deserved to be smited.  As expected, Don is not to blame.  I mean, obviously, I knew that, sometimes i just say and do dumb things.  I'm sorry, to Don, to the Deacons, but not to Bear Grylls or Charlie Sheen, those two are both still tools.  So that none of us, nor anyone else ever makes the mistake again, I have a list (surprise :) (gay smiley face from Tzo, double surprise))

 Kind of fuckin creepy, sorry about that.

The top 5 reasons Don is always blameless  
(as i typed that I felt a little David Letterman-y, and i hate myself for that)
1. Infallible.  The Don himself is never wrong, and is always honest.  I don't feel the need to elaborate any further on something so obvious. 

So obvious that no picture was needed to reinforce the statement...you get to look at pictures of cute cats, good job.

2. Blue Eyes.  If he was wrong, or lying about something, (impossible...but, hypothetically)you wouldn't know it, he has blue eyes, and they are deep, soul mesmerizing eyes.  The eyes of a super model who died and became an angel...just fucking beautiful.  I could and probably will write an entire post on Don's eyes.

 3 freaking hours i have been staring at them.

 Like this, but more angelic.

3. Bambi like soul.  From all the hours of staring into those eyes (the window into the soul according to someone), I can personally assure you, Don has the soul of a baby deer, its that fucking pure, and adorable, and not capable of doing anything that you would blame him for.  

 an injured baby deer, are u kidding me?  If you hate this, you are a monster.

4. Heart of Gold.  There are a million Don-unteer-ism stories, where Don volunteer to saves a whole bunch of peoples lives(see my previous post about the Alaskan Orphanage). A man like that deserves no fault.

you the man Don, the children are the future.

5. The Bottom Line..."And that's the bottom line, because Don Shaw said so!!"...sorry about that, quote i just heard come from his room.  I'm not positive, but i think he was borrowing Stone Cold Steve Austin's tagline.  It was super intimidating.  I assume he wanted me to include it in here.

Don could beat your fucking ass

I leave you with the wisdom Don just emparted on me..."West Side till you die"...true...true dat, double true.

Zip guns...it don't get much more gangsta

I would cry if this child wanted to harm me

Start looking more gangster...I swear to god, i'll ship you to an Alaskan orphanage.  The Don won't always be there to save you.

Original Gangsters

and the way i feel tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyVF1glhAfk

THE Don makes me feel this way everyday...inspired, loved, appreciated...check it, Deacons of Don...DON FOLLOWERS FLY TOGETHER!!!

A day that will live in infamy, forever

Late last night the United States of America fell under attack from a rogue nation/planet of nazi kamakizi aliens...Thank The Don, Don was there.  The government has done a fantastic job keeping this whole attempted alien racist invasion thing under wraps, so details are few and far between.  What is known is that they attacked the wrong motherfucker...Don attacks back...(cue dramatic music)

(pictured: the wrong motherfucker)

The explosions and alien corpses were photoshopped out by the government.

This man thing is dead, Don is a hero.

(pictured above: Nazi alien kamakazi hybrid)

Don's POV

Though we may never know all of what happened, what is known is that Donald saved the planet, we would all be slaves to the Nazi Alien Alliance if not for him...give thanks.

 (i had a picture of hitler with an alien to represent the Nazi Alien Alliance, but i decided it looked too much like a concentration camp picture, and that's fucked up...that's right friends, shit got too real for this blog)

until Don has to stop the next threat, good night Disciples, sleep tight.

5 things we can verify Don said to the aliens while he was doing the killing

1. Yippie-Ki-Yeah, motherfuckers

 (pictured above: Bruce Willis lookin like a bitch while Don kills aliens)

2. Oh no you did not shoot that green shit at me (in a cool black guy voice)

 "I ain't heard no fat lady" is also reported to have been said.

3. Do you feel lucky?  Do ya punks?

note to self: watch this movie

4. I came here to do two things drink some beer and kick some alien ass, looks like we're about out of beer...(Don apparently went to do three things, because he had alot of sex after kicking the asses).

 That's what Don and Matthew Mcconaughey love about these high school girls man...

5. Madness?  This is America!!

Oh lolcat, how adorable, He thinks he's in a movie.

Its ridiculous how many '300' pictures there are.

THE DON Beat everyone at everything tonight

Robert lost at darts.
Scott lost at ping pong.
I lost at being sexy (not surprising considering the competition).

Don is number one, he's the best person ever. 

At Don's NFL combine he measured 6 foot 3 inches, 220 pounds, ridiculous...he benched 450 lbs...3 times...he is the best...I am drunk...one day good posts will come again, unfortunately not today, give it time...

to put in the 100 words that Don deserves, I will put in random facts about Don...

Don recently ran a 4.05 40...fuck a Chris Johnson
Don can slam dunk two basketballs at once...
As stated before, Don beat Scott (the self proclaimed best darts player ever) at darts
Don is better looking than Matt Damon.
Don was begged to play both FSU baseball and FSU Hockey and turned it down to make sure homes were made in Florida, running the construction board.
Don created the new Dominoes crust.
The Knicks tried to trade for Donald Shaw before Carmello, but were rebuffed for making such an obnoxiously ridiculous trade.
Don taught Anderson Silva his front kick.
The Cardinals did not resign Albert Puljos in the hopes of being able to sign Donald Shaw.

Don's number one, catch up with him tommorrow.

Donnie Don, has got it going on, Donnie Don has got it going on...

Donnie can't you see, you are the very Don for me, I know it might be wrong, but, i'm in love with Donnie Don.


Sorry believers, I have been slipping, and unfortunately, this will be another short, undeserving blog.  I owe Don a total tribute of 120 pesos for my inaction.  He's such a great and forgiving Don that maybe...just maybe...one day he may forgive me, though i surely do not deserve it.  Don would never be such a bad person.


Today, I will speak briefly about Don's ability to speak to animals.  Don can speak to animals.  Literally.  He talks to our dogs all the time, they fucking love him for that shit.  They always wanna be around him.  They fucking wag their tails when he comes home.  They try to be near him when he's on the couch.  They fucking love him.


Even snakes, who don't like anybody, like the Don.  Don kills it.  The other day a cobra/rattlesnake hybrid got on the porch while we were smoking cigarettes.  It was terrible.  I was screaming for my life.  Don was stoic.  He got right down on the snakes level.  He let out a hissing that came to sound like 'c'mon man', and the snake just rolled out.  It was fantastic, phenomenal even.  Don is the man and the snakes now it.  All the animals do.

Bear Grylls would be fucking dead as shit.  Fuck that guy.

 (Pictured above: a neighbor who captured a slightly smaller Florida Eastern Diamond Rattlesnake.  The one Don drove off was a cobra hybrid.  This guy is a pussy compared to Don.  A stick to keep the snake away...pussy.)

Praise be to Don.  Deacons of Don, keep it real, tommorrow will be much better.
Tzo out.