It's a new Don, it's a new day, it's a new life. And i'm feeling...Don (buh bun nuh buh nuh buh nuh) - Nina Simone/Michael Buble

 Welcome back, followers of the Don!  Peace be with Don (and also with you)!  Our great Don's Chiefs ruled the day yesterday.  Of course!  When has the Don every been wrong?  If Don is a Chief then we are all Chiefs!  Since we are all Chiefs, we are all Champions!!! Praise be Don!!

Now, I'm certain many of you have heard tell of the Chiefs alleged savior, one Taylor Swift.  I say blasphemy, friends!!  I knew she was trouble when she walked in!  Anti-Hero?!  You're damn right!  Do not worship false idols!  True believers know who brought this Chiefs victory!  Shake it off (the madness)!  If you've got a blank space, baby, you should write HIS name!  Our song is not one of slamming screen doors, or sneaking out late!  Our song is one of victory!  I'm certainly asking Don if he can play it again!

Just because the blog has gone dark does not mean that I've stopped believing.  To paraphrase the great William (Bill) Burr on going to church: 'Don's everywhere, but I've got to go to this blog (church) to see him?  And he's mad at me down there, and I owe him money?'  Nay, friends!  You praise the Don in the nature of your choosing.  Life's Don and the world would be a better place if we'd all just be a little more Don!

Until next time, true believers...The Don lives!!  A Champion for all times!

-Tzo, who is not worthy.

"Where there is Don, there is life"-Mahatma Ghandi

Dear followers, pray with me that he is a forgiving Don.  It's been 6 months since my last Don-fession...Don be with you all (and also with you)...

I will keep this brief, because as well all know well now, this blog has never been about me, or a lost bet, it has, is, and will always be about living the Don and loving the Don...

Don now drives this:


"Oh, no, what happened to the black ford ranger?!" you ask, sounding like a little bitch.

'BYE FELICIA!'say The Don in some weird, I'm young enough to say this, but old enough to get the reference from 'Friday'.

You see Don Nation, tonight is all about showing the timelessness of the Don.  He's old school-see 'Felicia' quote and old Ford Ranger. But also new school-see 'Felicia' quote and new Toyota Tundra, the destroyer of men.

Give me a praise Don!  For old and new times sake!

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of Don. And a living Don will last in the midst of the blackest storm."-Troy Bissonnette/Mahatma Gandhi

Good evening friends, ladies (obviously, mostly ladies)...I know it's been a while, please accept my most humble apologies for my absence.  Can I get a praise Don?!

"Praise him!  Oh how I've yearned!' - Leo

My Don-ianity has been tested friends, and I am back, to preach his word.  I have fought through the seven hells, across the seven seas, and I bring back to life (not dissimilar to the way my faith has been resurrected), "LIVE THE DON, LOVE THE DON"!!!! Can! I! get!...a.motherfuckin' praise Don?!

(You might caption Samuel L., but you damn sure don't caption The Don...fuck it, what's Samuel L. gonna do, he's not Don...Samuel L.: "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men...")

I know what you're all thinking..."oh, Troy lost a bet and did this whole blog in an attempt to own up and pay homage to the Don...also, what a sexy motherfucker Troy is!!" That said (by you), you're wrong (I mean, I am sexy as a motherfucker, but this isn't about me) this was never about some stupid fucking bet.  This was all about Living the fuck out of the Don, and loving the fuck out of the Don!...Also, fuck you, you don't know my life, don't mock me with your faux Troy quotes!

(Pictured: sexy motherfucker)

All that said, Praise Don!

To give the millions (and millions (see 'The Rock', circa 1998)) of Don follower's an update on Don's life, here's where we currently stand.  Don is still crushing much vag (short for vagina, for the layman), per his usual, no surprises there.  Still, somehow, through the sea of FSU women (FSU's war chant is actually inspired by Don, it's a tribute to his prowess in the bedroom, the whole 'ohhh oh oh oh oh'  is the sound the ladies make (in bed))

(Why are there so many guys doing it? ...  Tallahassee is a weird place)

One would think, that would be all Don has time for...One would not know The Don...In addition to achieving a 3rd degree black belt in Kama Sutra (it exists, look it up, dick)!

(Lol, brown belts!) Nice try young Channing Tatum!

Don has increased his already immeasurable power over Florida politics!!!  A win for Don-ocracies (fuck you auto correct, it's a fucking word) world/universe wide!  Don now has power over THE fucking harbor pilots, y'all! (don't fucking ask me what that means, I have no idea, but Don talks about it like its a big deal, so now, it is literally the most important thing in my life.)  So I guess if you want to fly on one of those planes that have skis on the bottom, you WILL fucking go through Don first (see previous sentence about having no idea what a harbor pilot is/does)!!

Welcome to Don's world, bitch.

For those who wish their souls to burn in hell (those who didn't read all of The Word above), the shortened version is that The Don-Father is alive and well, and one day, with just enough faith maybe he'll allow us all to be harbor pilots (when he talks about harbor pilots in context he makes me think it must be a good thing, so we should all shoot for that? I guess?).

Fuck you, science!

I leave you all with our obligatory closing Don Song-Prayer, this week lead by Matchbox 20: 

All day starin' at the Don, makin' friends with shadows on my Don
All night I'm hearing Don tellin' me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for Don-ing
Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a Don-break,
And I don't know why...

Cuz I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unDon
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of Don
And how Don used to be, me

I'm talkin' to Don in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about Don
I can hear Don whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong, with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow, I've lost my Don

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unDon
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be (Don)......

I've been talkin' (to Don) in my sleep
Pretty soon Don'll come to get me
Yeah, Don's takin' me away

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unDon
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be (Don) yeah, how I used to be (Don)

How I used to be (Don)
Well, I'm just a little unDon
How I used to be (Don), how I used to be (Don)
I'm just a little unDon

Read more: Matchbox 20 - Unwell Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Don's latest greatest mandate

Sorry friends, I kinda blew up on that last post, maybe a god like Don can withstand the pressure of trying to dedicate a blog to his hero (himself), I, a mere mortal lack that ability.  Still, the story goes on, bigger and better things are on the horizon for Maximus Donius.

Last week, Don made a move for the sake of our state, our wives, our children, and our pets.

Last week, Donald Shaw mandated that our governor Rich Scott issue an executive order.  The Governor whom Don personally picked to run the state of Florida.  State employees would no longer be all about drugs, cash, and free love.

(pictured above: degenerate state employees)

Fucking hippies.

Through the mouth of Trick Scott, and from the heart of Donald Shaw came the greatest executive order of our time!  RANDOM DRUG TESTING FOR STATE EMPLOYEES, effective immediately.  As order by Don.  Unfortunately to Tricky Scott and his fact cats downtown, immediately means 60 days from when the order was issued.  Don has assured me there will be consequences.  Both for those free loving hippies living off of tax payer money, and for the fat cat senators who drug their feet instituting his policies.  

(pictured above: a fat cat Senator dragging his feet)

There will be no drugging, and certainly no dragging of feet under Don's just rule!!!!

Join me tomorrow for part two, the discussion of how this will effect state employees, government, our wives, pets, and the children of this great state.

Welcome to Shawville, where sexy never left.

This message is for the ladies....STOP!
Do you have any idea how annoying it is to get 30 or so emails and phone calls a day? Now think about being a guy in that scenario, a guy who likes vagina.  Now let's pretend you're you.  Why would you think it was okay to contact me begging for another man's penis?  WHY?!  I hope you know I cry at night because of you.  I understand that The Don is the best looking male in the state of Florida, but come on.  Show a little respect for a fellow human being, and please, stop torturing me.  Ms. Demi Moore, if you're reading (which I know you are, you're fucking obsessed) I'm two calls away from filing a restraining order.  The point is ladies, we all love The Don, which is a good thing.  Just please, show a little respect.  Limit your interactions with Don to sleeping with him, or catcalling, and leave me out of it.  I can't fucking take it anymore.

Don-pire state of mind

Join the Don-pire!!


My Don be like ooooh ahhh, oooh ahhh....


Don wants Tallahassee to be like the ATL of Florida.  We need to be bigger, and more gangster immediately.  We true Don-stremists can make this happen, its just gonna take a little work. 

5 ways we can "ATL-ize" Tallahassee (Don's words, not mine)
1.More People- we're all gonna have to start fucking alot.  Don's already doing his part, he has got at worst 5 illegitimate little kids running around.  He'd be a terrible person for that if he wasn't The Don.  Us mortals have to live up to our obligations, have lots of kids, but be there for them. (this message is brought to you by 
abettercommunity.org).  Besides, how many religions tell you to get your fuck on with as many random strangers as possible?  I haven't checked, but, Don-ianity is probably the only one...join the cause!!!

Everyday of parenting is probably like this.  Super cute, and super hilarious, why wouldn't you want an army of these cute little bastards?

The athletes here already have a great history of having lots of kids and forgetting about them.  This man should be your idol.

2. More, better businesses-You fuckers all suffer from a massive lack of creativity.  Take a fucking chance, lets grow some businesses.  You know the fuckin illegitimate government that we have in power right now will give you money to start a business?  look that shit up, if no one comes up with "The Pussy Factory" in the next few weeks, I'm gonna be seriously fucking dissapointed.  I'm not sure what the business will do, but, figure that shit out.  I'll be there.

If this is what you were thinking in the line of product for the pussy factory you should probably just skip it.  Let  a more creative, successful, and generally better person have the idea.

 

3. Crime Rate-ATL is slaying us in the number of stabbing get it?  Slaying us?  God damn I'm funny.  Seriously though, this is unacceptable and makes us look like a fucking joke.  Stab some people in the name of The Don.  The Don Shaw in the high-est.  Let's all try to stab 3 people a week, I pray this will be enough.  I know this may interfere with our plan to grow Tallahassee, but, think small.  Baby steps (which if you've Don your job Don-iac you should know plenty about in approximately nine months), we'll figure it out later.

Ahh, I almost forgot, one kinda important rule.  Do not stab your babies, that does not count as a legitimate stabing!!!  (pictured above: super cute baby single-tearing it)

4.Piss poor advertising-I say piss poor advertising, because it'd be better advertising than Tallahassee's had in years. Baby Steps. I lived in Baton Rouge for years, a mere 3 states over, and never heard a fucking peep about Tallahassee.  At least now, the parent company on the show The Office is based out of Tallahassee, but come the fuck on, we need more!  More shout outs from famous people, more billboards, more famous things and places, step it the fuck up Tallahassee.

 I mean, come on, it was good place to be in the 90s, can we at least try and make it a little cool today?

5. More rappers-Statistically, every third person in ATL has an album out.  We are seriously lacking.  ATL has rap battles like the west had deuls.  It's fucking insane.  We need it.  I have not been shot a single time in the heat of a rap beef.  What the fuck Tallahassee?  Step it the fuck up. 

More rappers should also up our illegitimate baby count, and our shank count.  (pictured above: the realization that 50 cent is probably not that gangster)

Maybe the pussy factory could be a rap-battle place?  Idk, I'm no entrepeneur, just a thought.

The Don, keeping it real

The Don kills it, he's the best and he deserves everything.  Do you want to be the best?  Do you want to keep it real?  Do you want to deserve everything?

Tonight i give you a brief list of things you can do to bring yourself closer to emulating The Don and the magic that is Donald Shaw.


5 ways your poser ass can be more like Don
1. 1+ vaginas a day makes the sexiness stay
Not a day goes by where Don doesn't get vagini, its like eating to Don.  Don's heirarchy of needs: Vagini, Sleep, Eat, Drink, look good.  Ladies is pimps too, go on brush your shoulders off, and have sex with multiple men, which will in turn make everyone's job easier...We can't all be Don and bang virgins all the time.

Don's vagini line up for this week, eat your heart out aggies, cowgirls love The Don.

2. Dress the part, look the part-while some state agencies require a tie to be worn daily, you, the Donnabe in training should keep it real.  Business casual, fuck the institution, if you wear a tie, Don hates you, and can easily identify you as a poseur ass pussy.  Take off the fucking tie future business man of America, or prepare to eat Don's fist.

This guy does not get punched in the face, bow ties are the shit.

3. Be smarter than everyone ever, and know it- The Don is smarter than me, I know it, he knows it.  Still, we can all  vie for the number two spot.  We'll never be Don, obviously, we're not good enough, but we can try to be just slightly worse people.

 Your brain is a pussy.

4. Volunteer-Don volunteers for all kinds of shit, breast cancer walk-a-thons, children's cancer tel-a-thons, benefit concerts, fucking everything.  If you wanna be like The Don, you gotta be selfless, but at the same time know that you're the most interesting, best, most deserving person, dead or alive.

 Don's kind of self centered, but in a cool way

5. Keep it real-for us normal poser ass Donaabe mortals, sometimes, keeping it real goes wrong.  As evidenced by Dave Chapelle's famous skits.  For Don, keeping it real never goes wrong.  Don is never embarrased, hurt, or scared.  We have to minimize our keeping it real going wrong.  To be like The Don, you've got to stop getting played, and be a pimp all the fucking time.  This is the most important part of being The Don!  KEEP IT REAL!